Overcoming the fear of the unknown.
It’s been 12 years since I’ve been home.
Procrastination? Lack of time? Nothing to visit? No reason to be there?
Just fear, it’s like when you hype up something for so long in your head, you keep building it up until you make yourself afraid of taking that initial chance. Kind of like losing your virginity.
The last time I was home, it wasn’t good. My mother was having an episode and at 16, I ended up having to greyhound to my aunts place in Santa Cruz, that day and that 6 hour bus ride was one I’ve tried to get out of my head for years.
So here I am today, happily married, planning for a future, making preparations for our future family. All the meanwhile theres this nagging anxiety in the back of my mind, knowing its my duty, with all the work I’ve done on myself throughout these years, mental growth, emotional growth and processes to drop my blame, victimization and learning to live with PTSD from my childhood. It was time for me to face my fears, my husband and I have been married for two years now, two years where my husband has not met my birth mother or my brother, hasn’t seen the city I was born in, the city who shaped the woman I am today.
Once from the bay, always from the bay.
It’s hard to explain the connection bay area folk have, but it’s a city that stays with you forever, the pride if from there, always engraved into your being.
I wanted to share this with Mike.
I’m looking at the trip like this, even if nothing comes from it, even if my mother is the same person (she is), even if I have to sit and act like nothing ever happened, act like my childhood was not in fact traumatizing, I will gain one thing from this trip. I will have closure from the fear I have built up over all these years, this is what I am most excited for. Lets see what the next 3 days have in store for me….
TO BE CONTINUED…………………….