Kiss & Tell
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Confessions of a cheater

It’s taken me awhile to put this piece together, procrastination? Possibly, or maybe just the fact that it’s sometimes hard to face the facts and admit that you’ve been a piece of shit in your past. Young and dumb is the easiest way to explain my take on my past cheating ways.

Let me begin with this statement, I didn’t always cheat on my past boyfriends, there were a few circumstances where I did and whether they “deserved it” or not, it happened. I have had relationships where I fully respected the other person and never even looked at another man, funnily enough, those were the relationships that I got cheated on and in return ended up having a hatred for cheaters (call it a double standard if you will but it did teach me to stop and think about my actions first. I hated how I felt whenever I found out I got cheated on and never wanted someone else to feel that way ever again)

I would be lying if I said I’ve been a saint in past relationships. When we are young, some of us have that overwhelming feeling that the grass is always greener on the other side. My first boyfriend was a real piece of work; he made me feel like no one else would ever want me, that I was trash and that I should consider myself lucky to be with him. I was young, naive and just wanted someone to love me so I stayed with him, for years. One day we jokingly had a conversation about sleeping with famous people, and that it would be considered a “pass”. I never forgot that conversation and ended up using it to my advantage.
I went to my first concert.
Things changed from that day forward. I realized that I was considered a “Vixen” in the eyes of some celebrities, whether it was actors or musicians, If I liked them, I knew I had a chance and I’d use it if I could. Things ended after much time wasted and really no personal growth came out of that relationship at all unfortunately.

After this relationship I began a relationship where I was “the other woman”, I was young, he was a successful, with money and charm, this intrigued me. Why me? I didn’t care; I loved the thought that I was the chosen one for him to go to when his wife (at the time) wasn’t being “good to him”. Thank god when that ended I found out she had been cheating on him the whole time as well and eventually ended up with her “other man” so my guilt slipped away easily.

Years passed, I stuck to long distance serious but open relationships, I was scared of commitment and I also now realize that I did not believe I deserved to be loved and respected. During this time and near to the end of a relationship that I was completely delusional in, I met someone. I thought I had found “the one”. I thought that so much that even after the fact when he left me for his previous girlfriend, I continued to see him on the side. Again delusional. Once we finally were together, I assumed we were committed to each other, but a string of events and years, turned out I was the only committed one. My fault really, when you start a relationship based on cheating and lying, NEVER think it will be different this time around, I’ve learnt that many times over, but never took it to heart until I emotionally grew up and taught myself self-respect and self-love. Before I taught myself these things, I became the other woman yet again, with an ex who had cheated on me, I felt like it was pay back to the girlfriend at the time, when really it was just weakness and straight immature behavior.

Looking back at these events embarrasses me, as I’ve always tried my best to be an honest person to the people I care about and to people I don’t know. No one deserves to be disrespected no matter what the relationship is, and for that I am still sorry for my past actions. At this time, I take it as a lesson learnt, since these events are years ago now, I have grown into the woman I am, I am proud of who I am, what I have to offer and most importantly, I am honest.

Before my fiancée and I were engaged, I told him everything, about my past, I wanted this relationship to be different, I wanted him to know what I’ve done, what I’ve been through and who I am now because of it all. When you are open about past experiences with someone you love, you open up a new level of communication. I found this was the first step in bringing us closer. Showing vulnerability can be scary at first, but it’s well worth it in order to build a strong relationship, bond and overall stable future.

I’ve reached out in social media over the past few months and asked, “ If you have cheated in the past, why? What were the circumstances etc” As I wanted to showcase the fact that everyone has their own reasons other than just plain selfishness in regards to why they have cheated, to show some of you who are cheaters that in the end it’s not worth it and some self reflection is needed or to maybe help some of you recognize when you are in a relationship with a cheater.

Here are their stories

  • It was easy, happened once on a trip away, I didn’t feel guilty, so if a woman approached me, I never turned them down. I always got away with it. A few years down the line I realized I just kept cheating because I didn’t care about the girl I was with. Now that I’ve moved on, I couldn’t ever imagine cheating on the woman I decided to marry. Maybe it was just me being young and fearless.
  • Every time I cheat it’s like a refresher for my marriage to keep things fresh and myself interested.
  • My husband can’t satisfy me for many reasons, I cheat on him, and we just don’t talk about it. I love him very much; I just need that physical experience every so often. He understands. It still hurts me every time I do it, but then again I need it. I’m stuck.
  • I was really careful and shy about sex in high school. I actually don’t even know why. I was cripplingly insecure, so I met this guy when I was 18-19. He was perfect! About 5 years older, so hot, beach bum, party boy. I made him wait. We were dating for a while, turns out he was fucking my best friend the whole time. I was mad that I had put sex on a pedestal that I had waited. And I got really very weird about it. I was so hurt. Like broken. I said out loud “I will always be the other woman. I will never like another man. I will never be hurt again.” And that’s what I did. For many years I “hunted” men. I didn’t care. I was so reckless. I had zero emotional attachment to sex. It was just like scratching an itch. People cheat because they remove emotion from sex. For whatever reason, but most likely because they were hurt themselves. It becomes the satisfaction of a physical need. They block out all feelings, including those of the person whose heart would be smashed in a million pieces, and for some reason the more you do it, the easier it gets.
  • I was not happy in my relationship and didn’t know how to get out of it. I had serious feelings for the guy I cheated with since before I even met the boyfriend I ended up cheating on. I felt trapped and saw it as an escape with him. I regret the decision everyday, but not the outcome.
  • I’ve cheated a couple times before. Only one time did I not feel terrible about it. That was only because the guy I cheated on beat me and for the longest time I was convinced it was my fault. I think people cheat because they don’t feel enough love or because the one they’re with constantly puts them down. My ex made me feel fat and stupid and unloved… then someone came around and treated me like I matter, like I was smart and funny and beautiful. All of the things he never made me feel. I eventually cheated on my ex by kissing this guy. But I still felt terrible about it so I told him. And when I told him it was just a kiss he couldn’t forgive me but he still wanted to try to stay. Later on I realized I wanted more out of the relationship things he couldn’t give me, like love and respect, we parted ways. Now I’m dating someone I never thought existed. Someone who loves me tenderly, who tells me I am beautiful every day, who makes me feel special and wanted, someone who makes me feel whole and I couldn’t EVER imagine cheating on him. So as to reply to people who say “once a cheater, always a cheater”… it’s not true.
  • Ego. Low worth and or self-esteem. Sometimes boundaries are assumed and not clearly defined. Some people do it because they want to be caught. The act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught.
  • My ex and I drifted apart to the point where we slept together maybe 3 times in a four-month span. I went out with a group of friends and classmates, including someone I worked on a project with, whom I ended up kissing. The next day I broke up with my now ex. I think the major driver for me was my ex was super unambitious, with no goals, while this other person was smart and ambitious- he/she had what my ex didn’t at the time, and he/she challenged me on an intellectual level while my ex was just kind of there.
  • In high school my first girlfriend ever cheated on me. It was the first time I was ever truly heart broken. For that reason I always had a bad taste in my mouth about cheating or the people who did it. Fast forward like 5 years and I was dating a girl I worked with for about 6 months. I had always suspected her of cheating on me but figured I was being paranoid. One morning I got a phone call from a friend who said he was out the night before and saw her making out with some dude on a dance floor, she was in fact out with her friends said night. It brought me right back to that high school place again, that same shitty feeling draped over me for the second time in my life. This time I dealt with it in a different way, the same day I got that shitty news about my girlfriend I decided to pick up a woman at my bar. After it was over I got zero gratification and felt like I had sank to a level I had always despised. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my then girlfriend who had no idea what had happened in the last 24 hours. I ignored her calls for about a day.
    I found out that the guy who told me he saw her cheating mistook her for someone else. At that point I sank even deeper, I was so ashamed in myself, that my paranoia allowed me to believe this dude without even checking around. What’s worse is the level disgust I had in myself wouldn’t let me come clean with her, but on the other hand I no longer felt like I deserved to be with her. I broke up with her giving her no reason, to this day it’s the most cowardly thing I have ever done and I have never forgiven myself for it.
  • Every time I found out he cheated on me, I went out and cheated on him. No reason really other than that. Obviously wasn’t a healthy relationship and lasted a little too long than it should have.

2 Comments

  1. if a guy has cheated on me and says sorry and that he ‘fucked up” should i forgive him??? (i still love him)

    Like

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